Your soul will move you always deeper within yourself. You cannot stop that process any more than you can stop aging.…[T]he mystic in you longs to go home; it longs to stop running from a fear of chaos.…You want to trust life itself and the God that gave you life. You want to surrender yourself into that same cosmic trust that the mystics had—and have—that your needs will be met. You want to find your highest potential. You want to heal from the burdens of resentment.…
Ultimately, this is a journey about personal courage and faith; your soul knew long before now that you would inevitably enter your Castle [the Castle that is you]. Caroline Myss Entering the Castle Page 79
When I entered an Anglican Convent in 1964, I did so believing that I would never leave there again. I wholeheartedly gave my self to God and, in 1971 I made my final vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience to God, within the Order of St. John the Divine in Toronto, Canada.
I felt called to become a nun and followed that call. No one was more surprised than I was when I felt called to leave the convent in 1980. As Caroline Myss said, in the quoted words above, “Your soul will move you always deeper within yourself. You cannot stop that process any more than you can stop aging.”
I felt called to enter the convent; I felt called by God to leave the convent and enter into the world once more. God had much to teach me in the convent; I learned much about my own short-comings, both spiritual and emotional; I grew in love of God and love of others; but God had so much more to teach me and God showed me that I could not learn more of God’s teachings where I was. I had to leave everything behind and follow Our Lord.
I had to surrender and trust myself to God knowing that my needs would be met even though all my supports had been cut away. It was not without sorrow and guilt that I left the convent, my vows, and my old life within the community of sisters where I had everything and wanted for nothing. God’s ways are not always straightforward. I was taken on a way that I had not expected but my soul leads me ever on to a deeper union with God through a journey of courage and faith.
© Judith Lawrence